THE THOUGHT

I didn’t think much about it at first. Black clothing just felt like… me. Simple, quiet, safe. Something that didn’t demand attention and saved me considerable time shopping.

As I grow older, I’ve begun to reflect more deeply. Why did bold colors stay on the rack while I consistently chose the comfort of black? It took me years to understand—beyond simplicity and style, wearing black helped me blend in, allowing me to move through the world without drawing attention. It was mostly about finding ease in being unnoticed, quieting that inner voice that insists people are watching.

Have you felt it—that sharp tug of awareness when your every move feels oversized? An unseen thread, pulling your focus inward. Suddenly, your laugh seems too loud, your words too sharp, your movements magnified.

THE DIVE

The Myth of Constant Scrutiny

The Spotlight Effect is a psychological phenomenon where we believe others focus on, scrutinize, or remember our actions far more than they actually do. That time you stumbled on a word? You replayed the moment all day, but someone else might not even recall it happened. They were likely busy replaying their own.

Psychologists Thomas Gilovich, Victoria Husted Medvec, and Kenneth Savitsky coined the term in the early 2000s, after experiments revealed how much people believe they’re being watched. In one study, participants were asked to wear a bold, attention-grabbing t-shirt and estimate how many people noticed it. They guessed 50% of the room did. The real number? Only 23%.

This effect comes from something well-intentioned in our brains. Humans are deeply self-aware. That awareness is what helps us reflect, grow, and connect with others.

• The downside: It tricks us into thinking the attention we pay to ourselves is matched by everyone else.

• The truth: Most people aren’t focused on you—they’re thinking about themselves.

But this illusion runs deep. Cultural norms encourage us to tidy up our outer worlds and manage the perception others have of us. Social media amplifies this by inviting scrutiny at every turn, shining a 24/7 light on our highlight reels and stumble reels alike.

That joke you fumbled, the stain on your shirt, the awkward moment you walked in late—they’re all passing moments in someone else’s day, barely worth a second thought. To you, it feels like the spotlight is glaring. To them? It’s barely even a flicker.

The irony of the Spotlight Effect is this: the more tightly we try to hold the narrative of how others see us, the less we live freely. We become actors in a play, forgetting that the script was written for an audience that doesn’t really exist.

THE PRACTICE

Out of the Spotlight

How do you quiet the roar of self-consciousness and step out of this imaginary limelight? It starts with awareness, but it also calls for action.

1. Pause and Challenge the Thought: The next time you feel that wave of self-awareness, pause and ask yourself, Is this as significant to others as it feels to me? Chances are, it’s not. Simply naming the moment for what it is can loosen its grip on you.

2. Reframe Your Perspective: Most people aren’t analyzing your every move; they’re wrapped up in their own worlds. Remind yourself of this truth, and ask, ‘Would I judge someone else for this?” Likely, the answer is no.

3. Focus Outward with Kindness: Shift the focus from “I am being seen” to “I am seeing”. Immerse yourself in your surroundings or the people around you. And when embarrassment strikes, treat yourself like a friend would—with patience and understanding. You’re more than one fleeting moment.

And so, I’m learning to see black not just as camouflage, but as a canvas. A space to rewrite the stories I’ve told myself. The narrative is ours to shape, and we can make it one of patience, self-kindness, and strength. Beyond blending in or standing out; maybe it’s about standing firm in who we are. We owe ourselves a softer gaze.